On the Tenth Day of Christmas

12 Days of Christmas - Day 10
500 words
Theme: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Elements:
Christmas Lights
Shiter's Full
10 lords a Leaping
A Fried Cat
Christie Brinkley
The Song 'Mele Kalikimaka'

Day 10

Driving charter buses may not seem like the most thrilling job on the planet, but it’s got its moments. Especially in Hawaii. The people are what makes this job interesting. Some, not so much. My current group of British businessmen exemplifies the latter.

I pull into a Chinese restaurant covered in Christmas lights on the west coast, and let the men file out. While they sample the local cuisine, I pig out at the grease hut across the street. There’s nothing like these roadside trailers, especially if the health department has anything to say about it. After polishing off everything else, I decide to finish my triple-layer chili cheese fries back at the bus.

I set my drink on a parking pylon and dig into my fries. I barely get three bites in before some redneck from the Chinese restaurant interrupts me, “Hey, feller! Shiter’s full in there, mind if I use yer bus’?”

“Sorry man, doesn’t have a bathroom. There’s some port-o-pottys next to that hotel they’re building next door though.”

He gives me a quick wave and waddles off in that direction. A few moments later one of my dapper gentlemen comes from the building, followed by others.

He walks up to me with quick strides. “Oh Driver! I say! The privy line in this establishment is quite long! Is there anywhere near that I may relieve myself?”

I point over towards the construction site and say to the growing crowd. “Port-o-pots’ that way.”

One of the men behind him seems to be either brewing coffee, or eaten a live bear, judging from the sound that emanates from his stomach. He folds over and holds his stomach as he says with sweat developing on his forehead, “Bloody hell!”

The sound, like some grotesque mating call, is answered, and echoed, from the bowels of the remaining congregation.

“I thought they were joking when they said they fried cats and fed it to people!” moans another gentleman.

The ten men leap through the air, several holding their rears, on their way to the promised bathrooms. It doesn’t take long before some return in a panic.

A red convertible pulls up blaring the only regional Christmas song I know of, “… Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii’s way… to Say ‘Merry Christmaaass’ to you…” The song cuts out when the engine. A gorgeous lady in a full length dress steps out and I nearly drop my fries.  To say she looks like Christie Brinkley’s doppelganger wouldn’t be an exaggeration.

As she heads towards the door I call out to her, “Miss!” She turns and faces me. “I wouldn’t eat in there if I were you… It’s trying for a new record on the number of stomachs it can destroy.”

She gives me a flawless smile and grins with a twinkle in her eye. “Wasn’t planning on it. I’m with the Health Department, and this is their surprise inspection…”

I go back to my fries as I add, “A nose plug may be necessary…"